Charlie - Your Mum's Handbag!

Yes I am a Big Bird

Well it's for the best

So Gordon didn't call an election after all, which is a shame as the election is always quite a good little earner for me, and I need that tumble dryer fixing.

Therefore I have taken it upon myself to fill the policy void this build up with no happy ending may have caused you.

I have been thinking about what changes I would make if I were to come to power. How would all of our lives be improved through the application of my wisdom, generosity, liberal steer, love and patience? Well there would be a few simple changes which would be to everybody's advantage.

My key platforms would be family planning, law and order and food and fashion.

One of my main manifesto pledges would be to outlaw the common practice of moving in one direction whilst looking in another. I was reminded of the need for severe reforms in this area just the other morning. On my approach to Catford of a morning I have to drive down a two way road which has cars parked on both sides resulting in there only being enough room for one line of traffic. The exit of this one line tunnel hits a junction with another road, which for some reason even though there is a big fuck off STOP sign at the junction, cars just drive out everyday without looking, then they see you approaching, then they realise that there is no where for them to go, then they break suddenly, then I swerve and everybody's happy and alive. This is the usual practice. It s a well honed dance. This morning though the woman who was driving at me into a space big enough for only one of us, was actually looking over her shoulder having an argument with the driver in the car behind her. This makes it tricky for everyone involved as you can well imagine, and clearly evidences the need for reform in this area.

Of the three RTAs I have been involved in over the years, all were as a result of the driver behind me chatting to a passenger or some acquaintance on the pavement whilst still moving forward. Unfortunately for me I was stationary at a traffic light on each occasion.

Pedestrians can also be guilty of this heinous crime and will not be spared in law. There will be no exceptions.

Family Planning

Other social improvements would include the introduction of a breeding agency. All requests to procreate would need to be signed off by me. Compulsory serialisation and contraception in the water would be introduced in many areas.

Law and Order

Law and order would be my main platform. For the more serious crimes (for e.g. looking in one direction whilst moving in another, as mentioned above) I would re introduce hanging.

I would introduce a new court called the shopping court. These courts would be overseen by my new minister of shopping and associated trades. People who work for Tesco and happily finish their chat with their friend before they start to serve me or even acknowledge I am stood in front of them will receive some of the strongest sentences in this court.

Other serious crimes will be going to slowly when I am in a rush. Generally dawdling and titting about will be outlawed. Old people will be given some exemptions as long as they get out of the way and don't stop to count their change in shop doorways.

Those found guilty of eating pasties in bus shelters will be stoned, until they are sorry. Unless that is they aren't morbidly obese in which case they will be told to 'get a plate!'

People who smoke whilst swearing at their children will be burnt at the stake a la Joan, and their children given a better start with good middle class childless couples. The morbidly obese will be banned from wearing leggings - this will be enshrined in law, and enforced using a big stick with a spike on it.

All young people will be required to get a belt, and pull up their fucking trousers. They'll all need proper haircuts, and to get on with something more useful than simply hanging about and getting in the way.

Public transport will become bookable, and the 185 from Catford to East Dulwich will be for season ticket holders only, no youths, no one in a hoody, no people with dogs, no push chairs, no shouting, and no old people getting on and making me feel guilty leading to me having to give them my seat.

Food and Fashion

Boots will be required to stock the entire vegetarian range of lunch goods including the falafel wrap and the vegetarian sushi - no exceptions.

All food shops will be required to stock organic skimmed milk whether they like it or not, and the best before date will always have to be at least a week away.

All high streets will have a Neal's yard dairy.

Compulsory beauty and fashion seminars for most of the population. These will be run from the new ministry of fashion and beauty which will be headed up by Justin and Adrian, Justin for the fashion and trend savvy and Adrian for the Joan collins/eartha kitt lifestyle enhancements.

There will be fewer nail bars and chicken shops - there's no need.

Other Issues

In the work place people will be required to be quiet and get on with their work. The majority of needless chat will be banned.

I'll probably put a penny on the price of a flip top bin and use the extra income to nationalise the lavatory industry resulting in a standard flush. Every high street would need to have as decent wool shop as well as a Marks and Spencers.

Further Manifesto Pledges

• People won't just be allowed to mill about aimlessly like it doesn't matter, they'll be expected to get on their way and get on with something.
• All dinners will be roast dinners apart from risotto or Greek salad and falafel which will be allowed. Those with health problems will be expected to convert to Judaism and get two sinks.
• All gays will be given the respect they deserve apart from the ones who still have those silly sticky up hair dos, wear stupid things too tight or too bright, have stupid small dogs or bad highlights - they will be stoned.
• Anyone using the term batty boy will be deported along with all their relatives - there won’t be any appeal rights or nonsense like that.
• Anyone stealing mobile phones will have their hands cut off - well it works for the Arabs.
• Kenneth Williams will still be on just a minute.
• There will no excuse for stupidity unless you have a certificate which states that you have a learning disability.
• All Scottish people will be expected to say 'that's great' at least once in a sentence.
• All Icelands will be turned into M&S simply foods
• The national drink will be Sancerre

Focus Groups

In preparing this manifesto I have also run a series of focus group. This highlighted for me a wealth of information about the social priorities of the British public today and of course my government will work as many of them as possible into our policy framework.

• Make women dress like women - gloves and hats sort of thing
• Introduce tax reforms to make shopping easier
• Etiquette lessons for youth with a stronger focus on diction across the whole of the National Curriculum.

Well there you go. You know it makes sense. Do let me know if you think I've left anything out.

Al the best from the best and Toodles.

WHG III xx

Ladies and Gentlemen - Miss Joan Collins

Yes I Created it Myself

Are you my type, am I yours?

I got done today, and no I'm not talking about being spade or charged 17 shillings for a turnip. No I was Myers Brigged! We all were at work. I thought it was about time we had some interesting training and CPD so I've had us all MBed. We're then going to spend a day looking at our types as an aid to improved team working and then learn some NLP. How modern are we? Well taxes have to be spent you see. You do know that the government takes more than they need just in case I need some extra stationery or a day off for being gay or white or something?

So I'm a ENFP. You may well ask. It stands for Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive. Sort of sums me up don't you think. Now there are 16 types you can be, and there are no right types and wrong types, just different types. Well that's what they say, but now I know my type I obviously know the best type. Of my five staff 2 were the same, one is still to be done and my boss and my boss's boss are also ENFP. Policy officers in local government are so obviously a type. But then J is an ENFP and he is a Fashion designer - so maybe I need to go back to the drawing board on that one. I imagine Princess Margaret and Alma Cogan were the same too.

We are all a mix of all of them and this isn't about being one or the other, but it is about where your natural preference lies. So when you answer the test questions you go on instinct, and then during your interview you iron out any kinks.

So what does all this jargon mean. Well you are scored on 4 sets of alternatives:

Extraversion or Introversion

Sensing or iNtuition

Thinking or Feeling

Judging or Perceiving

Extraversion is about being attuned to the external environment, learning through doing and discussing, having breadth of interests and tending to speak and act first, reflecting later.

Introversion is about being drawn to contemplation in the inner world, prefering to 'think through' problems, learning best by reflection and mental practice, having a depth of interests and tending to reflect before acting or speaking.

Sensing is about having a focus on what is real and actual, valuing practical applications, being factual and concrete - noticing details, observing and remembering specifics, enjoying the present, wanting information to be accurate and precise and trustsing experience.

Intuition is about focusing on the 'big picture' possibilities, valuing imaginative insights, being abstract and theoretical, seeing patterns and meanings in facts, enjoying anticipating the future and stimulated by ambiguity.

Remember it is not about being on or the other it is about where your natural preference lies, we will all have bits of all.

Thinking is about being guided by objective logic, focusing on case and effect, looking for flaws in logic, applying consistent principles in dealing with people, at work emphasising involvement with tasks.

Feeling is about being guided by personal values and convictions (apparently most veggies are an F) focusing on harmony with own and other's values, looking for common ground and shared values, treating each person as a unique individual, at work emphasising on support and process.

Judging is about liking to get things decided, being scheduled and organised, enjoying decision making and planning, and disliking working under time pressure.

Perceiving is about liking to keep options open, being spontaneous and adaptable, enjoying the process, not making a decison before its time and being energised by last minute time pressures.

So are you a guardian or an inspirer - you decide - but do leave a comment if you know or work it out.

ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers
ESTJ - The Guardians
ISFJ - The Nurturers
ESFJ - The Caregivers
ISTP - The Mechanics
ESTP - The Doers
ESFP - The Performers
ISFP - The Artists
ENTJ - The Executives
INTJ - The Scientists
ENTP - The Visionaries
INTP - The Thinkers
ENFJ - The Givers
INFJ - The Protectors
ENFP - The Inspirers
INFP - The Idealists

Don't worry if you are not the same as me, it doesn't mean that you aren't good, just that you aren't as good as me. Maybe I'll do Kinsey next.

In other news - Ronnie Hazelhurst has left us today - I never knew he'd written so many of the greats!

Al the best from the west and toodles.

WHG III xxxx

No one should get an automatic VIP pass to your life

I over heard a man on the train the other night describe his son as a mummy’s boy and go on to give this to his female travelling companion, no relation, as a reason why he wouldn’t be telephoning him. ‘But he’s your son!’ she cried. He probably thought the boy, or man‘s mother had made him one. I wonder if I were to give her the wool if she’d make me one.

Relatives are a mixed bag and come in all shapes and sizes. Be warned though many don’t wear their health warnings in public and can try and blend themselves into a crowd and palm themselves off as normal. Mothers in particular are very good at trying to 'blend in' with the normal folk. 30 years of x,y,z ‘oh no I didn’t notice a thing’ mad family member on rampage for 30 years causing all sorts of grief ‘oh he’s a lovely boy, never put a foot wrong’ sort of style. Watch them like a hawk that's my advice!

I don’t think it should be compulsory to have positive regard for one’s blood relatives or even require them to be in your life. But I do think that if you have gone to the bother of getting yourself up the duff, or getting your breeding partner up the duff, as in the above railway example, you should probably give the resulting sporn some due regard.

In these days of non nuclear families it is important that we re-evaluate what ‘family’ means and who can be categorised as being a member.

I certainly do not think that just because someone is your blood relative they automatically hold the exalted position of being a family member. I think we choose our family from those around us, some may be blood relatives, but not all family members will be blood relatives and certainly not all blood relatives will be family members.

Our family are those people whose lives we have taken to equal or exceed the value of ours. The people who if they said ' the bomb's going off in 4 minutes you can choose x people to save' we'd list them, and the people who we would detail in our living will regarding power of attorney.

Civil partnership has helped those of the gay persuasion (I'm not one) to get around the next of Kin discrimination to some extent - should we choose to marry or have already undertaken the ceremony. Otherwise we still have the difficulty of nominating who are the key people in our lives.

I know who my next of kin are, but not all of them would be recognised in law. At work I can nominate who my in service death benefit goes to. I hope with the new rules developing on power of attorney and other related legislation I will soon be able to legally tell the world who my relatives, family, kin and heirs are.

Blood relatives should certainly be expected to uphold levels of behaviour we would expect of ourselves and those close to us before the are allowed to be called family. Just because they are related by blood doesn't give them the right to show you up in public or fuck bridesmaids in broom cupboards. All stories are available for the usual fee.

But it is good to ask 'who are my family?'

Think about it! I know who mine are and I would happily lay myself down for them.

I think I might write about the Lambrini generation's breeding habits next time - but we'll see.

In other news, J and I continue to get excited about Christmas, so watch this space for more pre advent excitement - we may even make the Blue Peter advent coat hanger together.

Not sure about this rape in the Archies, the intrigue is killing me. It happened before I became a Sunday worshipper you see so I don't remember all the ins and outs.

A couple of people have said they can hear me in my writings so I am taking that as compliment.

Had lots of lovely British cheese on Saturday night, thanks to Robbyn, in celebration of the British cheese Festival. Just try it -go to Neal's Yard dairy and say 'tempt me the British way' and you will so be surprised.

If you haven't yet seen the film Venus please do.

All the best from the west and toodles.

WGH III xxxx