The New Elizabethans

Firstly I would like to wish everyone a very Happy New Year. I hope that 2008 brings you happiness, peace and adventures new.

As always I like to start the New Year by striding forward. This may be in the form of an embrace of culture, science, art, or as in this year’s case technology!

Whilst I sit here resting my housemaid's knee, I can let you into a little secret. I now have an Ipod. It's silver, very small, tip top and right up to the minute. Justin has shown me how to use it, although I must admit I have been familiar with Itunes for quite a while now, and I even have an Itrip, which I hope to be able to utilise during vehicular perambulation.

So yes, do as I do, embrace change, charge forward into the new age and be able to listen to your Archers podcasts at home, on the move or just in the lastest mode.

I'm very now. Are you?

Happy Very Modern New Year.

WHG III

xxx

Nearly there

So, today I am not writing about aviation fashions in 1965, although I could (pop a postcard through if you'd like to suggest). But we are doing a bit of waving this evening, and who better to have to demonstrate it than Get Mummy's Purse's old friend Beryl Reid.

Now this isn't my Christmas day broadcast, and yes, for those of you worrying, there will be one. This is more of a 'as we draw the curtain on 2007........' sort of thing. All off the top of my hairdo and not pre written by non striking writers back in July or anything like that.

Let's start with Christmas cards. I hear a lot of scoffing about these. I think a lot of people just can't be bothered. But I do think it is important to bother. One of the most important things about Christmas cards for me is that it sends a quick note to a whole raft of people I unfortunately don't get to see for one reason or another, but who still hold a place in my heart, to let them know that I am thinking about them and theirs. I love to receive them as well, little beacons of love shining in from the vast outside. Wonderful! How fantastic to know we are in the thoughts of others.

So what else does this time of year offer? Well for many it means spending time with their family and loved one's (please see previous blog on definition of family). And that is good too. The J and I are having what will be a first for both of us and that is a Christmas in East Dulwich, and I am simply looking forward to having an extended period of time with him, where work will not carve our being together into supper and me dropping him off at the station. No work, lots of lie ins, presents and Bubble and Squeak, mmmm!

Also as we approach the New Year we have a chance to review what didn't quite work, or where we didn't quite make the grade, or where we slipped out of step. We have the chance to try again, try to be better for ourselves and others. It is right that we do a lot of thinking about others at this time of year, but don't forget to think about yourself for a bit, think what would make you happier next year and what things you might like to do differently for you.

In prep for a non Leamington Christmas I did the honourable thing and scurried up there last weekend to deposit presents and put a mirror under my grandmother's nose to make sure she was still breathing, which luckily she was which at 98 is a small miracle. Also went to see sister no.3's new flat - very scary, for me not her, she is well excited, I am keeping fingers and legs crossed that this is a happy transition to independent living. OMG!

Parents seem to be getting very old. As far as I was concerned they had always been about 45 and gratefully remained that way until a couple of years ago when they were suddenly in their 70s and in rubbish health. Not good. My advice - don't get old.

Anyway I must stop this ranting as I am so tired my eyes are just about to heal over.

So think on and look sharp, and a very happy Christmas if you don't hear from me again before the momentous day.

Toodles

WHG III

cheeky cheeky

Just let her dance

Mind your language

11 December 2007 was National Plain English Day, and to mark the occasion, the Local Government Association (LGA) published a list of 100 words that public bodies should not use if they want to communicate effectively with local people.

Apparently unless councils talk to residents in a language that they can understand, then the work they do becomes inaccessible and reduces the chances of people getting involved in their local issues. That's telling us, oh yes indeed.

Below is the full list, in alphabetical order, of the LGA's top 100 banned words.

1. ambassador
2. agencies
3. beacon
4. best practice
5. bottom-up
6. CAAs
7. can do culture
8. capacity
9. capacity building
10. cascading
11. cautiously welcome
12. champion
13. citizen empowerment
14. community engagement
15. conditionality
16. consensual
17. contestability
18. core message
19. core value
20. coterminosity
21. coterminous
22. cross-cutting
23. customer
24. democratic mandate/legitimacy
25. distorts spending priorities
26. early win
27. empowerment
28. engagement
29. engaging users
30. enhance
31. evidence base
32. external challenge
33. facilitate
34. fast-track
35. flexibilities and freedoms
36. framework
37. fulcrum
38. good practice
39. governance
40. guidelines
41. holistic
42. holistic governance
43. improvement levers
44. incentivising
45. income/funding streams
46. initiative
47. joined up
48. joint working
49. LAAs
50. level playing field
51. localities
52. meaningful consultation/dialogue
53. MAAs
54. menu of options
55. multi-agency
56. multidisciplinary
57. outcomes
58. output
59. participatory
60. partnerships
61. pathfinder
62. peer challenge
63. performance network
64. place shaping
65. predictors of beaconicity
66. preventative services
67. priority
68. process driven
69. quick hit
70. quick win
71. resource allocation
72. revenue streams
73. risk based
74. scaled-back
75. scoping
76. seedbed
77. service users
78. shared priority
79. signpost
80. single point of contact
81. slippage
82. social contracts
83. stakeholder
84. step change
85. strategic/overarching
86. streamlined
87. subsidiary
88. sustainable
89. sustainable communities
90. symposium
91. synergies
92. tested for soundness
93. third sector
94. top-down
95. transformational
96. transparency
97. value-added
98. vision
99. visionary
100. welcome

Now I am all for inclusive language so I will be trying very hard to avoid any of the above words, so as to help the public, god love 'em.

However there are other words, worse words, which should be banned. I would like to introduce you to the words I have banned my team from using. You'll see a pattern I'm sure, and agree the world would be a better place if everyone followed our example.

Baps, Climax, Discharge, Deposit, Engorged, Evacuate, Excretion, Express, Flap, Finger, Fluid, Glistening, Juices, Lubricate/lubricant/lubrication, Matter, Member, Mess, Moist, Motion, Movement, Ooze, Organ, Opening, Pass, Passage, Pastry, Penetrate, Procedure, Pucker, Relief/Relieve, Secrete, Seepage, Slippage, Soil, Spread, Stool, Straddle, Stroke, Swollen, Tug, Wipe, Withdrawal.

Toodles

WHG III

As we enter Advent

Now, as you all know there are several important things that must be prepared for well in advance of the big day itself. In fact this one should be prepared as a matter of urgency, as it is, you'll agree, the keystone to happy and successful yuletide festivities.

That's right, you've got it in one, today we are going to make the Blue Peter Advent Crown.

Now, we are going to be making the original one not the PC police gone made version. The only draw back with this version, is that buildings and personal liability insurance should be trickier to obtain unless you go sub prime and you know how tricky that is these days. You see, today's youth, apart from wearing hoodies, doing that funny limping walk, playing music on their mobile phones on the bus and smoking crack cocaine, are subject to a health and safety conscious advent crown, where baubles are added to welcome in each new week of advent rather than the celestial light of burning wax. I think you can take this nanny state thing too far and anyway ours has candles AND baubles.

Do remember to ask an adult for help if necessary. You will need 4 wire coat hangers, ask mummy or your housekeeper to get these for you from the dry cleaners, plenty of tinsel (re insurance reference above maybe make sure it is fire proof), 4 jar lids, now these don't necessarily have to come from an organic preserve, but it is preferable especially if the neighbours have a tendency to pop round for sherry unannounced. Now do you have 5 glass baubles handy? no? well pop along to your local DIY shop, Fortnums, Peter Jones or Harrods should be near enough. To further adorn you'll require holly, now don't just snip away at the first bush you come across, topiary doesn't grow on trees you know. Finally you'll need 4 candles, and don't make the same mistake I did and come back from the iron mongers with fork handles!

How we laughed. Anyway.

1. First cut the hook off two of the wire hangers just above the twist then using thin wire join one hanger with a hook to one without at right angles - make two pairs.

2. Turn one pair upside down and wire them all together into a large 3 dimensional diamond, fasten the jar lids at the four corners.

3. Place the candles in the jar lids, decorate the hangers with tinsel and greenery, and hang baubles from underneath the jar lids and in the centre at the bottom. But remember kids never leave lit candles unattended, even for a moment.

So there you have it, 4 weeks in advent and you light one candle per week. What joy!

Have a look at the one I prepared earlier (below) for some more clues, or ring up Biddy Baxter if you need the fact sheet - she won’t mind.

This is Saturday Morning - who's on line 1?

Let's be 'avin you........

I got a letter from the fuzz today, I thought, hey ho they had to catch up with me eventually, although I stand by the fact that as far as I knew those turnips were legit!

Anyroad, they were writing to update me on an investigation in which I had assisted with investigations. I had received a letter at work, well one of my senior managers had received it and I had opened it as part of my official handbag carrying duties, which was very racially offensive and purporting to be from the Police if you please.

Anyway they kindly wrote to tell me that a suspect had been identified and subsequently arrested. However the CPS had advised that there was insufficient evidence to proceed and 'therefore our investigation into the matter is now concluded.' So that's a shame that no one was banged up, less satisfying that way especially when you had been on their database as a witness.

But it was kind of them, keeping me informed and all that, and the villain, it was established, did not have any affiliation with knacker of the yard after all.

Oh yes, when did I contact them? November 1998!

Toodles

WHG III

He was like a black Danny La Rue

Picture the scene if you will, Brixton, 1981, there’s a riot. I remember the pictures on the telly; lots of youths throwing things at the police, lots of police hitting youths with sticks, lots of things burning. I vividly remember pictures outside of the ritzy cinema and the town hall opposite. Six years later when I left secondary school and moved to London, Brixton still seemed a strange and far a way place, as did most of London outside of the circle line. 20 years later, I have lived in Brixton and now class it as a familiar part of centralish London, rather than some far away suburb of myth and legend.

I wasn’t therefore in the riots, I have been in a riot mind, but the woman I met yesterday told me all sorts of tales of the kids she taught in Stockwell in the late 70’s and early 80’s. She told me about one instance when all the boys in her class were ignoring one of their cohort the day after one of the riots. When she asked them why she was told ‘because he’s greedy miss!’ apparently when the boys had gone a looting, a quaint local custom of VAT avoidance, they had only taken school uniforms, as that is what they knew their mums couldn’t afford. They were very clear that they only took one shirt each, but this one lad had taken 5. The moral affront of the boy beggars belief. I can just picture the scene, it must have been in Morleys, which is a sorry excuse for a department store on Brixton High Street, cars ablaze, police beating up the unemployed, bins hurled through windows etc etc etc, ‘just one shirt and one tie each lads then straight back to prep’. I think not, I bet they stopped off for some proper loot, sock garters, berets, tap shoes, that sort of thing.

The riot I was in was the poll tax riot of 1987 I believe or was it 1988. It was most surreal. I was meeting friends at a restaurant on Charing Cross Road called Le Renoir, no longer there, now a gay pub, (yes we wash everything by hand too). I got off the train at Charing Cross and to get on my way I had to squeeze through row after row of riot police. Walking up St Martin’s Lane, every shop window was smashed, cars were over turned and on fire, straight out of a tales of the unexpected, wiggly lady and all. So we arrived at the restaurant, and unfortunately re the riot we were about 10 – 15 minutes late. The stuffy nosed bitch, I mean the maitre de, said that due to our tardiness, she had given our table away! I faced her and said ‘my dear, there is a riot outside!’ and with that we all span on our heels and marched out. We finally found hospitality in the pizza hut on the other side of Cambridge circus. The dinner was most enjoyable and with the exception of the burning bins being thrown through the window, a pleasant and most memorable evening was had by all.

Further takes from yesterday include another story of one of her pupils. I shall leave it to her to tell this tale.

‘He was a very effeminate lad, big, loved singing - really scared people. He told me how he had been on the tube and it got stuck between Stockwell and Brixton.’

I asked ‘he didn’t decide to give them a tune did he?’

‘Yes, he loved doing Shirley Bassey you see. He said ‘miss I did them Goldfinger, all the actions’, they must have been petrified. He was just like a black Danny La Rue’

You couldn’t make this shit up, that’s the beauty of it all.

TTFN

WHG III

The Voices Made me do it!

Why do people talk to themselves?

I don't know why do people talk to themselves?

Well I do this blog and I haven't come to any harm yet - although I do mostly do it indoors where you are less likely to have an accident.

Well that's not strictly true, actually, as research has shown that most accidents happen in the home.

Really? Gosh!

Moving on, quickly, I don't have anything against people talking to themselves, I have been known to do it myself, although I do it a lot less now. Most of my solo conversations would take place with Dolly. Dolly was my maid and sidekick. A friend once admitted to having a similar assistant named Roger. In fact Dolly and Roger are living happily together in Deale, it's a bit of a drive but they do have a super shopping centre and the air is so much better.

I think having lived on my own for many years, and not always in the pleasant position I am now of having regular evening company, you do need to have a chat. Although my 'conversations' with Dolly were never really a conversation. They were more along the lines of me saying 'What do you think of that' or 'Did you see that' when something came on the telly which I felt required a Mary Whitehouse stylee response.

The very title of this little creative 'déviation' is both a reference to being charged with getting mum's bag, usually on her bed, so that she could open her purse to provide me with a green back, and my solo references a la Dolly to myself when talking to myself about myself. A sort of running commentary. 'Now mummy's just going to make a cup of tea' that sort of thing.

Am I sharing too much here? Can I park - are you bothered?

Now as I said I don't do it so much now as I have more regular social contact with other people and I can do my Miss Babs life observations on them rather than having to make them to Dolly. Also it is important to note that I only did this when on my own, in my own home, no prescription medicine was involved and I didn't have to see a lady at the Maudsley about it.

But some people do this in the real world. And I do find it quite annoying, (me annoyed whatever next!) The thing that people do which I find brain numbingly annoying is doing an out loud commentary of what they are doing.

Two examples, one from this morning and from from the past.

I am in the kitchen at work making myself and one of my team a tea. His was herbal but I digress. So there's this lady from another team, I don't know her name, as we have no need to interact on a professional basis and I'm too busy not talking to the people I know to have any room for chatting to unknowns. So she's got a tray it has about six cups on it. And it goes, Ladies an Gentlemen something like this.......

'So yes, that's right, Steve wanted milk, not too much, yes he prefers skimmed. Now I've got Jim's mug, he's having a coffee, 2 sweeteners. No Janine is just having a water today not tea, fine, right. June, OK, that's fine for her' and so it continued.

I once sat opposite someone who did this type of running commentary all day long for everything she was doing. I would often self harm in order to keep my mind on my work not the pointless chronicling of her every tedious move. In the end I just pretended that my computer was bust and moved to a desk on the other side of the office. To this day she thinks we got on very well, and that I enjoyed having her as a team mate. You'd think people would clock - but interestingly, they usually don't.

So there you go, but before I leave you there are a couple of very important things I need you to know. The important thing is, and this is the central saving grace in all of this.....

DOLLY HAS NEVER REPLIED OR ASKED ME A QUESTION OR TOLD ME TO DO SOMETHING NAUGHTY!

So there you go. In other news my new favourite website is http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com


Look out for Christmas stylee fun coming your way soon, including the blue peter advent crown fact sheet and tip top nut loaf recipes.

All the best and toodles.

WHG III
xxx

Charlie - Your Mum's Handbag!

Yes I am a Big Bird

Well it's for the best

So Gordon didn't call an election after all, which is a shame as the election is always quite a good little earner for me, and I need that tumble dryer fixing.

Therefore I have taken it upon myself to fill the policy void this build up with no happy ending may have caused you.

I have been thinking about what changes I would make if I were to come to power. How would all of our lives be improved through the application of my wisdom, generosity, liberal steer, love and patience? Well there would be a few simple changes which would be to everybody's advantage.

My key platforms would be family planning, law and order and food and fashion.

One of my main manifesto pledges would be to outlaw the common practice of moving in one direction whilst looking in another. I was reminded of the need for severe reforms in this area just the other morning. On my approach to Catford of a morning I have to drive down a two way road which has cars parked on both sides resulting in there only being enough room for one line of traffic. The exit of this one line tunnel hits a junction with another road, which for some reason even though there is a big fuck off STOP sign at the junction, cars just drive out everyday without looking, then they see you approaching, then they realise that there is no where for them to go, then they break suddenly, then I swerve and everybody's happy and alive. This is the usual practice. It s a well honed dance. This morning though the woman who was driving at me into a space big enough for only one of us, was actually looking over her shoulder having an argument with the driver in the car behind her. This makes it tricky for everyone involved as you can well imagine, and clearly evidences the need for reform in this area.

Of the three RTAs I have been involved in over the years, all were as a result of the driver behind me chatting to a passenger or some acquaintance on the pavement whilst still moving forward. Unfortunately for me I was stationary at a traffic light on each occasion.

Pedestrians can also be guilty of this heinous crime and will not be spared in law. There will be no exceptions.

Family Planning

Other social improvements would include the introduction of a breeding agency. All requests to procreate would need to be signed off by me. Compulsory serialisation and contraception in the water would be introduced in many areas.

Law and Order

Law and order would be my main platform. For the more serious crimes (for e.g. looking in one direction whilst moving in another, as mentioned above) I would re introduce hanging.

I would introduce a new court called the shopping court. These courts would be overseen by my new minister of shopping and associated trades. People who work for Tesco and happily finish their chat with their friend before they start to serve me or even acknowledge I am stood in front of them will receive some of the strongest sentences in this court.

Other serious crimes will be going to slowly when I am in a rush. Generally dawdling and titting about will be outlawed. Old people will be given some exemptions as long as they get out of the way and don't stop to count their change in shop doorways.

Those found guilty of eating pasties in bus shelters will be stoned, until they are sorry. Unless that is they aren't morbidly obese in which case they will be told to 'get a plate!'

People who smoke whilst swearing at their children will be burnt at the stake a la Joan, and their children given a better start with good middle class childless couples. The morbidly obese will be banned from wearing leggings - this will be enshrined in law, and enforced using a big stick with a spike on it.

All young people will be required to get a belt, and pull up their fucking trousers. They'll all need proper haircuts, and to get on with something more useful than simply hanging about and getting in the way.

Public transport will become bookable, and the 185 from Catford to East Dulwich will be for season ticket holders only, no youths, no one in a hoody, no people with dogs, no push chairs, no shouting, and no old people getting on and making me feel guilty leading to me having to give them my seat.

Food and Fashion

Boots will be required to stock the entire vegetarian range of lunch goods including the falafel wrap and the vegetarian sushi - no exceptions.

All food shops will be required to stock organic skimmed milk whether they like it or not, and the best before date will always have to be at least a week away.

All high streets will have a Neal's yard dairy.

Compulsory beauty and fashion seminars for most of the population. These will be run from the new ministry of fashion and beauty which will be headed up by Justin and Adrian, Justin for the fashion and trend savvy and Adrian for the Joan collins/eartha kitt lifestyle enhancements.

There will be fewer nail bars and chicken shops - there's no need.

Other Issues

In the work place people will be required to be quiet and get on with their work. The majority of needless chat will be banned.

I'll probably put a penny on the price of a flip top bin and use the extra income to nationalise the lavatory industry resulting in a standard flush. Every high street would need to have as decent wool shop as well as a Marks and Spencers.

Further Manifesto Pledges

• People won't just be allowed to mill about aimlessly like it doesn't matter, they'll be expected to get on their way and get on with something.
• All dinners will be roast dinners apart from risotto or Greek salad and falafel which will be allowed. Those with health problems will be expected to convert to Judaism and get two sinks.
• All gays will be given the respect they deserve apart from the ones who still have those silly sticky up hair dos, wear stupid things too tight or too bright, have stupid small dogs or bad highlights - they will be stoned.
• Anyone using the term batty boy will be deported along with all their relatives - there won’t be any appeal rights or nonsense like that.
• Anyone stealing mobile phones will have their hands cut off - well it works for the Arabs.
• Kenneth Williams will still be on just a minute.
• There will no excuse for stupidity unless you have a certificate which states that you have a learning disability.
• All Scottish people will be expected to say 'that's great' at least once in a sentence.
• All Icelands will be turned into M&S simply foods
• The national drink will be Sancerre

Focus Groups

In preparing this manifesto I have also run a series of focus group. This highlighted for me a wealth of information about the social priorities of the British public today and of course my government will work as many of them as possible into our policy framework.

• Make women dress like women - gloves and hats sort of thing
• Introduce tax reforms to make shopping easier
• Etiquette lessons for youth with a stronger focus on diction across the whole of the National Curriculum.

Well there you go. You know it makes sense. Do let me know if you think I've left anything out.

Al the best from the best and Toodles.

WHG III xx