12 Steps

As always in life I have great blog plans. Firstly I planned a review of the year (2009), which remains in note form so you never know, and then I planned a New Year's message. My brother thought that if David Cameron was allowed to do one, then there shouldn't be any stopping me.

But what with everything else, still having to go to work for a living, and more episodes of the Archers to catch up on that you could shake a stick at, I haven't quite been able to get around to it.

However I was recently asked to ponder some simple rules for living. So as part of my ongoing desire, and in fulfilment of my life long duty, to help, I have come up with the following 12 simple rules; let's call then William's 12 Steps to better living.

1.   Why would you not rinse the suds off the washing up?  I don’t want dried detergent on my crockery for next time I eat, nor does anyone else.

2.   If you miss a call, don’t call the person back immediately – as they will probably be leaving you a voicemail. Give it a minute and then listen to their message before calling them back with the answer. They won’t then have to repeat everything they have just said in your message, and your call waiting won’t interrupt their leaving of the message.

3.   If you’re not watching the TV switch it off – save some electricity and have five minutes of peace and quiet – it won’t kill you.

4.   When abbreviating the popular phrase ‘you are’ don’t forget to get it right with ‘you’re’ rather than wasting your time by being incorrect and putting ‘your’. It’s only a little thing, but can be dangerous and extremely annoying.

5.   If you’re going to go to all the effort of asking someone a question, why not go the whole hog and take the time to listen to the answer. 

6.   Vegetarians are just like you but with less red meat rotting in their guts. If you are having a roast dinner or sausage and mash, you’ll find that they’d like that too rather than risotto or a pear salad.

7.   Don’t eat with your mouth open as it will make your friends and family feel sick and is common and disgusting.

8.   If you see two men kissing, holding hands or displaying an otherwise innocent PDOA don’t chase them down the street screaming ‘Batty Boy’ just be happy for them and then quietly get on with whatever you were doing.

9.   I know it can sometimes seem ok, but if truth be known stopping to chat to another old person in a shop doorway is never appropriate.

10. Don’t move in one direction whilst looking in another - no gain to be had and lots of potential for knocking into someone or something.

11. Don't sniff, it’s not attractive, it’s annoying and unnecessary – get a bloody hanky and ask an adult to show you how to use it.

12. And finally, don’t feel the need to constantly ramble on about drivel, and whatever you do don’t fill conversations with verbatim reports of the last conversation you had and what the other person had said. We don’t really care and you're boring us.

Please don't thank me - I don't give to receive.