I’ve nothing left; I’ve given it all up. I’m just a shell, left empty by my former addictions. I’ve even given up two new things as part of my New Year’s Resolution (Revolution) Suite (NYRS).
I’ve now given up spending money on stuff and nonsense, and will be ploughing the millions saved back it the Godwin Foundation’s Charitable arm*.
I’ve also given up wasting so much time on the internet** (also helps with the not spending)
So how do I plan to fill the void left by all my newly former vices?
Well for a start, the Godwin Foundation will keep me busy planning an extension to the east wing, and having the windows washed on the back bedroom. And I have decided to actually read all the piles of books I’ve bought over the last few years. This, like my diet, has taken quite a bit of building up to. I have so wanted to read more; all of last year I tried to make myself read more. I have the books, I have the time, but I haven’t quite been able to put two and two together. I had several serious chats with myself about it, even a couple of rows. But now I have done it. You see the beauty of an NYRS system (NYRSSYS) is that it is a Paddington hard stare in the face of procrastination.
And after all that, it was very easy, I just went to bed 30 mins earlier and picked the book up, and opened it (not rocket science you see, although it felt like it was when I was trying to talk myself into it last year).
Luckily because of the day job I hadn’t forgotten how to read and none of the words were too big. AND I really enjoyed it. I will be doing it again, every night before lights out even. All I need now is a light I can operate through a series of claps - now that would be good.
I’m thinking I should write a guidance pamphlet called ’Beating off Procrastination - how to stop and start all the things you really want’
Chapter 1: JUST DO IT FOR CRAPS SAKE - IT’S NOT THAT HARD, and it’s not going to kill you, you just think it will - it’s an h’illusion!!!
Chapter 2: Please disregard advice given in chapter one if you had Astro physics or a serious heroin habit on your list.
Chapter 3: I’m hoping chapter 3 will be ghost written by someone with an ology so as to give plenty of Eat, Pray, Love, film stylee option opportunities. Although I’m not having Julia Roberts play me, oh no. Goldie Hawn is more my rank. I’ll get my NY production people onto it - that’s you Glo, just as soon as I’ve checked the vegetarian options and found someone to write the score. Is Elgar still working? Didn’t he do that Chatterley thing with Kenny Russell and Ollie Reed?
My only sticking point with using the NYRSSYS advice in chapter one is I haven’t quite been able to make it work for exercise. Although I have traded in my weekly car park permit at work for a half weekly one, so as to force regular walking half of the time. I suppose reading is easier because it doesn’t hurt, not spending doesn’t hurt, not drinking doesn’t hurt - but walking up the chuffing stairs instead of taking the lift! Julia Roberts or no fucking Julia Roberts, are you trying to kill me?
With all this talk of NYRSSYS, and all the solution focused love I have to offer the world it makes me think that maybe, after all, I should have done a Christmas Message to the Commonwealth.
Each year I do always plan to do a round robin stylee Christmas newsletter to share, packed full of dry comedy value and tongue in cheek (or tongue and cheek as Charles Aznavour once said to me) yearlong observations. But I never do get a round tuit. One of my closest advisers said if I was pushed for time I could always produce it as a New Year’s message, like the one David Cameroon does, we’ll if it’s good enough for him why not the Duke of Dulwich himself?
But what could I offer?
Well I would notably review how myself and the commonwealth has fared over the past 12, very well thank you for asking. I would pick out some of the key Royal visits, I am out of my post Switzerland counselling now so that would have been OK to use. I would showcase some of the cultural inebriation I have wallowed in, as highlighted in my previous instalment, even though as I hadn't seen Charles Dance in anything last season, some of you have suggested I shouldn’t have wasted the ink.
The laughter, the tears, the formula 1 racing drivers and their Monaco love nests, the gastronomie, the great British countryside, the rough hands of the French military, the hats and the hair pieces and of course the roar of the greasepaint.
I would then, importantly, want to offer some lubrication to eeze you into the New Year. A glimmer of hope perhaps, an offering or two by way of sharing, and some sturdy advice from my 42 years of patient learning.
But I haven’t really got time, you’ll be relieved to hear, so I’ll just leave you with my key thought from the family planning leaflet I’m pulling together for the ED WI. I’ll be off cataloguing my collectables if anyone needs me.
‘Keep yourself nice and don’t mix men and Margaux’
* all foreign coins to charity
** Independently verified by me