Wednesday, 26 March 2008

It shouldn't be allowed

I was perusing the aisles in Poundstretcher this morning, just buying my maid some discounted Easter eggs, and it struck me that I hadn’t shared for some time. As we all know sharing is very important and as I live to lead by example I offer the following thoughts for you to imbibe.

Now The Tories, they’re the ones who look a bit inbred and favour mock Tudor, and I, don’t have a history of seeing eye to eye.

Al together now:

Too shy shy Hush hush, eye to eye Too shy shy Hush hush, eye to eye Too shy shy Hush hush, eye to eye Too shy shy Hush hush

Where was I? oh yes the Tories. Another keen fact is they often look like Cecil Parkinson or Kenneth Baker and hold views a kin to Mary Whitehouse.

These days they will often try and pull the wool (washable at 30°) over your eyes, and go to work on a bicycle or wear cords in an attempt to make you think they like homosexuals. However it is very, very, very, (are you with me here?) very, very important to remember that the only good Tory is a dead one. Or so we used to say when Thatcher, Thatcher, milk snatcher was particularly getting upon our bosoms, or when Ronald Regan had been allowed to park yet another one of his lovely peace missiles on one of our Lesbian theme parks.

As I start to turn into the next generation of grumpy old men (turn? I hear you say) I worry that I am basically becoming a bit of an old reactionary myself. It certainly suits my key skills and most regular moods. Even when out shopping, or enjoying relations I can always find time to yell ‘Get your hair cut and get a proper job!’ The worry is that I’ve been doing this ever since I moved down to London; now 21 years ago, I blame the water.

Moving towards the afternoon snack of my life (pre high tea I must stress) I have less and less time for the stupid amongst us and I find the ability to be offensive towards the under classes has now become second nature.

Over the years many otherwise ridiculously liberal people have, off the record, agreed that breeding restrictions should be administered upon whole swathes of society, but you’re not allowed to say it out loud. It’s not very nice dear. 7 million Londoners, one London all that sort of thing. Open your arms, move from your gated communities and love thy neighbour. Well that’s well and good if you live in Hampstead, but as you all know even in East Dulwich you can be touched by the dark side, and I’m not speaking of a chunk of Bourneville after 4 pear ciders.

So when I read that John Ward, a Tory Councillor from Medway, who yes does look like Cecil Parkinson and Kenneth Baker all at the same time, was preaching that people on benefits should be sterilised I didn’t know which way to look. On one hand I was saying ‘oh dear surely there must be something we can do to help, and really, what a thing to say’, but on the other hand I was reaching for my Daily Mail membership card in order to call the pledge line. He offered a woman who had seven children by five fathers as an example of Breakdown Britain. I suppose at least in her favour she has twins (new definition = 2 kids in a family with the same father).

Thank god there is still a liberal hiding inside of me (just left of the liver no doubt). I know people are on benefits for a whole range of reasons, and I support the welfare state, I do, I have benefited from it myself over the years as have many of my close and dear. But none of us, not even those with the appropriate equipment have ever felt the need to have 7 children by 5 fathers.

Now I best dash before I too am asked to stand down and return the whip, but let me leave you with just one last thought. If you are not sure whether you have the basic skills to satisfactorily bring up your children, and or you don’t have the resources to even provide the basics for the little darlings once you’ve shot them out onto the lino, then please, please – DON’T BREED!

Keep warm and toodles,


Saturday, 8 March 2008

Are you white?

There's been a lot of talk this week about the white working class and how these days they have no one to represent them. The Labour party who were previously the natural home of the working class is now a middle class, middle road emporium of bland, rather than strength for the workers of Britain. But also the working class are no longer the workers of Britain. This role has been taken over by our Eastern European neighbours, who are happy to pick caulis for 2 pounds an hour as it is still more than they can earn in their country of origin.

The working class are to some extent becoming the workless class, and no one is for them; the trade unions are no longer a strength to reckon with, and as the manufacturing base of this country declines further and further, so has the down tools ability of country wide control they once held.

Not that any of this movement is necessarily a bad thing, but it has led to a real shift in social structures, representation and of course there is no one left to play the spoons.

The BBC have even marked this 'new invisibility' with a new series called White which documents Poles meeting rivers of blood and working men’s clubs lying empty in mostly Muslim neighbourhoods.

So what is the answer for the white working class?

I think there can only be one answer to this. There should be more cockeney knees ups. Apron dancing should be taught in our schools, and all Councils should have a signed picture of Lou Beales in the Town Hall and all the newly signed up immigrants should be required, at their citizenship ceremony, to turn to the picture and say. 'Cor blimey, me old ducks, can you adam and eve it, I ain't half feelin' a bit Tom. 'Ave a banana'.

I think that is all that is required, to be brutally frank.

All the best from the west.