Wednesday, 26 March 2008

It shouldn't be allowed

I was perusing the aisles in Poundstretcher this morning, just buying my maid some discounted Easter eggs, and it struck me that I hadn’t shared for some time. As we all know sharing is very important and as I live to lead by example I offer the following thoughts for you to imbibe.

Now The Tories, they’re the ones who look a bit inbred and favour mock Tudor, and I, don’t have a history of seeing eye to eye.

Al together now:

Too shy shy Hush hush, eye to eye Too shy shy Hush hush, eye to eye Too shy shy Hush hush, eye to eye Too shy shy Hush hush

Where was I? oh yes the Tories. Another keen fact is they often look like Cecil Parkinson or Kenneth Baker and hold views a kin to Mary Whitehouse.

These days they will often try and pull the wool (washable at 30°) over your eyes, and go to work on a bicycle or wear cords in an attempt to make you think they like homosexuals. However it is very, very, very, (are you with me here?) very, very important to remember that the only good Tory is a dead one. Or so we used to say when Thatcher, Thatcher, milk snatcher was particularly getting upon our bosoms, or when Ronald Regan had been allowed to park yet another one of his lovely peace missiles on one of our Lesbian theme parks.

As I start to turn into the next generation of grumpy old men (turn? I hear you say) I worry that I am basically becoming a bit of an old reactionary myself. It certainly suits my key skills and most regular moods. Even when out shopping, or enjoying relations I can always find time to yell ‘Get your hair cut and get a proper job!’ The worry is that I’ve been doing this ever since I moved down to London; now 21 years ago, I blame the water.

Moving towards the afternoon snack of my life (pre high tea I must stress) I have less and less time for the stupid amongst us and I find the ability to be offensive towards the under classes has now become second nature.

Over the years many otherwise ridiculously liberal people have, off the record, agreed that breeding restrictions should be administered upon whole swathes of society, but you’re not allowed to say it out loud. It’s not very nice dear. 7 million Londoners, one London all that sort of thing. Open your arms, move from your gated communities and love thy neighbour. Well that’s well and good if you live in Hampstead, but as you all know even in East Dulwich you can be touched by the dark side, and I’m not speaking of a chunk of Bourneville after 4 pear ciders.

So when I read that John Ward, a Tory Councillor from Medway, who yes does look like Cecil Parkinson and Kenneth Baker all at the same time, was preaching that people on benefits should be sterilised I didn’t know which way to look. On one hand I was saying ‘oh dear surely there must be something we can do to help, and really, what a thing to say’, but on the other hand I was reaching for my Daily Mail membership card in order to call the pledge line. He offered a woman who had seven children by five fathers as an example of Breakdown Britain. I suppose at least in her favour she has twins (new definition = 2 kids in a family with the same father).

Thank god there is still a liberal hiding inside of me (just left of the liver no doubt). I know people are on benefits for a whole range of reasons, and I support the welfare state, I do, I have benefited from it myself over the years as have many of my close and dear. But none of us, not even those with the appropriate equipment have ever felt the need to have 7 children by 5 fathers.

Now I best dash before I too am asked to stand down and return the whip, but let me leave you with just one last thought. If you are not sure whether you have the basic skills to satisfactorily bring up your children, and or you don’t have the resources to even provide the basics for the little darlings once you’ve shot them out onto the lino, then please, please – DON’T BREED!

Keep warm and toodles,



1904 said...

Lovely to hear from you again, WHG. And I'd almost forgotten Ronnie's girlfriend Milk Snatcher.
As for sterilization, the thorny question always is, Who Decides? I am therefore volunteering my services. I promise to be fair and objective, although I admit I tend to favor the very beautiful and well-endowed. You are safe, my precious, but fair warning to those who've let themselves go.
Cheers from sunny California!

James watson said...

one of your best yet keep them coming hillarious

Luis Rodriguez said...

A resounding shout of agreement!!!! Get it in the papers!

ronan said...

i thought the turkey twizzler sterlisation proposal had merit. A reversible sterilisation agent is added to the turkey twizzlers at the manufacturing stage. The beauty of this idea is it allows natural selection.

The test could be reversed subject to financial, academic and physical criteria.

Twice average earnings would do for financial, a short biography of Homer (the greek poet not the father of Bart) for the academic with the physical challenge being to find a kettle at Peter Jones within 15 seconds of starting at the Sloane Square entrance.

Two out of three would be a suitable pass mark to quality for reversal.