Monday, 3 September 2007

My life as a Vegetarian

Well yes I am you see, there's no hiding from it. I am a vegetarian, and I'm proud of it. My mother didn't make me a vegetarian, although she did repeatedly make me a lovely tomato and onion dish (fried onions and tomatoes) in lieu of all the Henry the VIIIth stylee banquets the meaties got. And I wasn't driven to hide my non vegan lactose lifestyle from society as a side effect of my Catholic upbringing. I have generally been tolerated and supported and treated as an equal amongst men (and ladies).

As some of you know, my brother Joe, for that is his Monika is also a vegetarian. Not unusual to have two in the family these days, so the statistics show. Joe is currently cross country with the mater and sister 3. They have been enjoying the delights of a Norfolk mini break, ensuring that all is in place for the JW visit in a couple of weeks. They have also been eating. The ladies in question are obsessed with food and have even been known to argue away the health risks of a cooked breakfast with an over focus of the superfood nature of a grilled tomato. Some would say it runs in the family! In order to maintain the theme and keep calorie levels up, the Audi was pulled off at a little chef, probably, but this is unconfirmed, on the A47 at Acle (yes you're right, they're not keeping the class 47s at Crewe anymore).

Before I go on, dear meat eating majority, I must just say a few words about food equality. What vegetarians want is the same as you are having. If you are having a full Sunday roast, we don't want to have pumpkin risotto; we want a roast dinner too. If you are having sausage and mash, we don’t want guiche, new potatoes and a runner bean. We want what you want. If you are having pie and chips we want pie and chips. Please don't forget this when cooking for your vegetarian friends. We just want a meat free version. Give us a Sunday roast, but with a bit of nut loaf in lieu of the game, vege banger and mash is just as tasty, and a low fat alternative to filling your gut with red meat, etc etc etc. The other wonderful thing about vegetarian food is that it can be eaten by all types of people, even foreigners and old people.

So back to the plot. Bro is pulling himself off into a little chef. Once in he orders vege bangers and mash. Well hoorah, they have been listening to my prayer, Jesus is a vegetarian after all, as well as a married homosexual and lover of taxmen, and bald people. A big warm hand for little chef and their equalities drive.

Oy Vey Maria!

But no the joy is short lived. The CSE shunning, Alan Partridge imitating retards have got it all wrong. Brother is informed............

"Just so you know sir, the vegetarian sausage and mash comes with non vegetarian gravy."

In other news, Brighton has been added as an additional holiday destination. I think I'm up to a 4 centre break now, and looking forward to the delights of my fave restaurant Terre a Terre on East Street. The metropolitan police have been informed about our two recent homophobic abuse situations, and LGBT liaison officer is working with the neighbourhood team as I type. So hopefully the appropriate immigration and sterilisation controls will soon be put in place.

Do remind me to tell you about the time I was chased round a club at the tender age of 18 by Leigh Bowery in full light bulb drag! It was a close thing I can tell you.

Al the best from the west and Toodles.


No comments: