Sunday, 14 October 2007

Well it's for the best

So Gordon didn't call an election after all, which is a shame as the election is always quite a good little earner for me, and I need that tumble dryer fixing.

Therefore I have taken it upon myself to fill the policy void this build up with no happy ending may have caused you.

I have been thinking about what changes I would make if I were to come to power. How would all of our lives be improved through the application of my wisdom, generosity, liberal steer, love and patience? Well there would be a few simple changes which would be to everybody's advantage.

My key platforms would be family planning, law and order and food and fashion.

One of my main manifesto pledges would be to outlaw the common practice of moving in one direction whilst looking in another. I was reminded of the need for severe reforms in this area just the other morning. On my approach to Catford of a morning I have to drive down a two way road which has cars parked on both sides resulting in there only being enough room for one line of traffic. The exit of this one line tunnel hits a junction with another road, which for some reason even though there is a big fuck off STOP sign at the junction, cars just drive out everyday without looking, then they see you approaching, then they realise that there is no where for them to go, then they break suddenly, then I swerve and everybody's happy and alive. This is the usual practice. It s a well honed dance. This morning though the woman who was driving at me into a space big enough for only one of us, was actually looking over her shoulder having an argument with the driver in the car behind her. This makes it tricky for everyone involved as you can well imagine, and clearly evidences the need for reform in this area.

Of the three RTAs I have been involved in over the years, all were as a result of the driver behind me chatting to a passenger or some acquaintance on the pavement whilst still moving forward. Unfortunately for me I was stationary at a traffic light on each occasion.

Pedestrians can also be guilty of this heinous crime and will not be spared in law. There will be no exceptions.

Family Planning

Other social improvements would include the introduction of a breeding agency. All requests to procreate would need to be signed off by me. Compulsory serialisation and contraception in the water would be introduced in many areas.

Law and Order

Law and order would be my main platform. For the more serious crimes (for e.g. looking in one direction whilst moving in another, as mentioned above) I would re introduce hanging.

I would introduce a new court called the shopping court. These courts would be overseen by my new minister of shopping and associated trades. People who work for Tesco and happily finish their chat with their friend before they start to serve me or even acknowledge I am stood in front of them will receive some of the strongest sentences in this court.

Other serious crimes will be going to slowly when I am in a rush. Generally dawdling and titting about will be outlawed. Old people will be given some exemptions as long as they get out of the way and don't stop to count their change in shop doorways.

Those found guilty of eating pasties in bus shelters will be stoned, until they are sorry. Unless that is they aren't morbidly obese in which case they will be told to 'get a plate!'

People who smoke whilst swearing at their children will be burnt at the stake a la Joan, and their children given a better start with good middle class childless couples. The morbidly obese will be banned from wearing leggings - this will be enshrined in law, and enforced using a big stick with a spike on it.

All young people will be required to get a belt, and pull up their fucking trousers. They'll all need proper haircuts, and to get on with something more useful than simply hanging about and getting in the way.

Public transport will become bookable, and the 185 from Catford to East Dulwich will be for season ticket holders only, no youths, no one in a hoody, no people with dogs, no push chairs, no shouting, and no old people getting on and making me feel guilty leading to me having to give them my seat.

Food and Fashion
Boots will be required to stock the entire vegetarian range of lunch goods including the falafel wrap and the vegetarian sushi - no exceptions.

All food shops will be required to stock organic skimmed milk whether they like it or not, and the best before date will always have to be at least a week away.
All high streets will have a Neal's yard dairy.

Compulsory beauty and fashion seminars for most of the population. These will be run from the new ministry of fashion and beauty which will be headed up by Justin and Adrian, Justin for the fashion and trend savvy and Adrian for the Joan collins/eartha kitt lifestyle enhancements.

There will be fewer nail bars and chicken shops - there's no need.

Other Issues

In the work place people will be required to be quiet and get on with their work. The majority of needless chat will be banned.

I'll probably put a penny on the price of a flip top bin and use the extra income to nationalise the lavatory industry resulting in a standard flush. Every high street would need to have as decent wool shop as well as a Marks and Spencers.

Further Manifesto Pledges

  • People won't just be allowed to mill about aimlessly like it doesn't matter, they'll be expected to get on their way and get on with something.
  • All dinners will be roast dinners apart from risotto or Greek salad and falafel which will be allowed. Those with health problems will be expected to convert to Judaism and get two sinks.
  • All gays will be given the respect they deserve apart from the ones who still have those silly sticky up hair dos, wear stupid things too tight or too bright, have stupid small dogs or bad highlights - they will be stoned.
  • Anyone using the term batty boy will be deported along with all their relatives - there won’t be any appeal rights or nonsense like that.
  • Anyone stealing mobile phones will have their hands cut off - well it works for the Arabs.
  • Kenneth Williams will still be on just a minute.
  • There will no excuse for stupidity unless you have a certificate which states that you have a learning disability.
  • All Scottish people will be expected to say 'that's great' at least once in a sentence.
  • All Icelands will be turned into M&S simply foods
  • The national drink will be Sancerre
Focus Groups

In preparing this manifesto I have also run a series of focus group. This highlighted for me a wealth of information about the social priorities of the British public today and of course my government will work as many of them as possible into our policy framework.
  • Make women dress like women - gloves and hats sort of thing
  • Introduce tax reforms to make shopping easier
  • Etiquette lessons for youth with a stronger focus on diction across the whole of the National Curriculum.

Well there you go. You know it makes sense. Do let me know if you think I've left anything out.

Al the best from the best and Toodles.



Brother Joe said...

Count me in - I especially look forward to compulsory serialisation - does that mean a new bit gets cut off each week?

Will said...

Well spotted bro, although yes, all changes may be introduced incrementally