Thursday, 22 May 2008

I'm a Homoseual Get Me Out of Here!

I'm Not Feeling So Good..................

There’s a lot of it about at the moment. ‘Oh yes there’s something going round’. People always say this as an excuse for possibly taking 3 days off next week (phobia of going to work) because they sneezed or blinked. I used to work with someone who every time she exhaled would announce ‘I think I need a tonic’ and she didn’t mean the Pimms o’clock type neither. I don’t know what she did mean though. Having been brought up in the east end maybe there was some elixir given if she was low of sorts – vegetables, clean water that sort of thing. Although didn’t they simply feed their young hot gin in the olden days?

I digress.

So what is a Phobia. Well the OED says something along the lines of ‘A fear, horror, strong dislike, or aversion; esp. an extreme or irrational fear or dread aroused by a particular object or circumstance.’

I do feel sorry for some phobics. After all having seen Biggins jiggle about in all that worm slime and spider poo with stage school rats running around his feet I can assure you I wouldn’t want to do that. But I know my fear is irrational. Stage school rats can’t hurt you, and worm slime and spider poo are simply slimy and smelly, but not capable of any damage or actual pain. I think doing the Timewarp back in his Rocky Horror Days could have potentially led to more harm for the jungle king!

Till Death Do Us Part........................

But the phobia I wish to speak of today does cause pain, and hurt and division and violence and hatred. Not good.

Big story this week about the Christian registrar who is suing Islington Council for religious discrimination after she refused to conduct gay marriages. Apparently she is now required to perform whichever ceremonies the council requests. Poor cow – how my heart bleeds for her. Although she has a point, you wouldn’t expect a Council to force a white racist registrar to perform ceremonies for black people now would you – they’d be excused duties surely?

Apparently homophobic Christian registrars everywhere are "terrified" of being hounded out of their jobs for not conducting same-sex marriages. Also they say they are existing in a "climate of fear" since the introduction of the civil partnership ceremonies in December 2005.

Now it is important to remember that many religious fundamentalists do cling to the most perverse religious laws – many of which were set by Leviticus.

The one Lillian Ladele is basing her prejudices on will be:

“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

But I don’t see anything in her case saying she should not be forced to marry farmers. Does she check their planting rotas and grazing arrangements?

Don't let cattle graze with other kinds of Cattle (Leviticus 19:19)

Don't have a variety of crops on the same field. (Leviticus 19:19)

Also she doesn’t mention that the council force her to marry people wearing mixed fibres, and she hasn’t asked for permission to be allowed to check everyone’s labels so she can be sure.

Don't wear clothes made of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19)

What about straight men with short hair and no beards – is she exempt from marrying them?

Don't cut your hair nor shave. (Leviticus 19:27)

What about second marriages – does she check whether they were faithful in the first marriage – if not should she perhaps be looking to slaughter them rather than marry them?

If a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die. (Leviticus 20:10).

And finally and perhaps most importantly I hope she doesn’t marry any oriental people, some Africans or anyone with a limp or GOD HELP US a visually impaired person!

People who have flat noses, or are blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God (Leviticus 21:17-18)

So as my old east end work mate used to say – there’s a lot of it about.

Home Oh Phobia.....................

Yesterday Justin and I aroused such extreme dread, fear and horror in a man at the station that it made him wind down his car window and start screaming like a hyena. It was so bad it also made him flail his arms around like a spastic sea lion or B movie Zombie. This carried on for some time, we thought about alerting an ambulance in case he had experienced some kind of seizure. As we drove off though he managed to take breath and shout that lovely colloquial term for ‘I’m a ignorant cunt please slay me’; BATTY BOYS. So we knew all was well and he was simply another Homophobic bastard, that unfortunately would probably live.

I mean what do these cunts want – separate water fountains, for us only to be allowed to sit at the back of buses?

The Lesbian Mating Game....................

Yesterday a key vote for equality was clinched in the H’s of P. A change in the law removed the "need for a father" part of the application process for children conceived by IVF. This great step ensures that attempts to restrict access for lesbian couples and single women seeking to conceive children by IVF have been halted.

‘After a second day of debate over the human fertilisation and embryology bill, MPs rejected a cross-party amendment tabled by the former Conservative leader Iain Duncan Smith which would have strengthened existing laws to make IVF clinics consider the "need for a father and a mother" before allowing women to begin fertility treatment.’

On a free vote, MPs defeated the plan to tighten the law by 292 votes to 217.

Hang on a god dam cotton pickin’ minute that means that over 42% of our MPs were happy to restrict access for lesbian couples seeking to conceive children to IVF! Have just checked - this included 12 Labour ministers.

Find out how your MP voted at and then adjust your future voting pattern accordingly.

The Persian Persuasion.......................

The government has also shown its positive regard to equality this week by granting 20 year old Mehdi Kazemi asylum. Mehdi came to London to study in 2005, but in April 2006 discovered his partner had been arrested and named him as his boyfriend before his execution. Fearing he might suffer the same fate if he returned, Mr Kazemi decided to seek asylum in Britain.

Oh but they didn’t grant it initially! The poor lad had to flee to the Netherlands, be sent back and have a big campaign march behind him., led by ‘helps out when they’re busy’ former homophobe Simon Hughes MP, before Jacqui Smith intervened. Bless! Obviously Jacqui thought it was perfectly safe for a gay man, whose executed for being gay boyfriend had named Mehdi as his boyfriend prior to execution in a country that executes gay men, to be returned.

Has our government accidentally slipped to the right of Genghis Khan?

In Other Phobias News.........................

1. Sex Uturn – the Metro reports that a Muslim has threatened to sue an all female driving school for sending a sex swap instructor to teach his wife! Emma Sherdley formerly a father of two called Andrew said the accusation that she was still a man was hurtful, offensive and deeply upsetting.

2. A nasal spray which increases our trust for strangers is showing promise as a treatment for social phobia, say scientists from Zurich University.

3. A chef has been receiving therapy for a food phobia that has left him unable to eat anything but biscuits.

It’s probably best if I stop now.



1 comment:

Justin said...

Thank you for making a public point of this darling, its a shame being called names is not unusual for us. Another interesting, informative and very funny read!
Now I must get back to tending those Rats.....