Thursday, 26 July 2007

Hens in the Skirting Board

We think we've got hen's in the skirting board.

I don't think I've told you about my neighbours. Dwarf jugglers, lovely people, very clean living. But their clean living can involve putting on the washing machine late at night, and they're not very good at the dwarf juggling, so they often thud to the floor - repeatedly - I admire their determination to practice though. I think there might also be a smidgen of clog dancing and regular wrestling trials.

Now it's not all their fault as there is obviously no underlay and thin exhibition carpet etc, and it doesn't really grate on my otherwise robust nerves, as much as it did before I went on my new pills, no I'm fine - no this twitch is just a sports injury. 'Get Stuffed! - Pork Roll' Look now I've come over all Jack Douglas.

Had a little run on to Kennington where I parked the Tipo and popped myself on the tube direct to London's swinging west end. Realised the place I always park in Kennington on saturday afternoons is in fact a controlled zone, and it is complete fluke that Ive never had a ticket. A pick you up and take you away lorry was patrolling as well, so thank Dolly I randomly decided to stroll down the street and look at the sign.

Going to my barbers is a little like entering a poorly dubbed shit porn film. 'Well he's not my husband but he once rubbed up next to me in a sports jacket - so he's as good as!' Everything is double entendre although it's far more obvious than that and not at all funny. Everyone who enters is introduced, told that I am single and some smutty fact is made up and then shared. I told them to shush today - I bet they're still reeling! Well you've got to put your foot down sometimes.

The good thing about my barbers is that it does enable me to get a good run down on the lives of a range of Friends, ex boyfriends and acquaintances without having to actually diarise time to spend with them. If I have any major news in my life - like a new man for example, Andy (for that is his Monika) will often tell me before I get the chance to tell him. He told me today that Paul had made him sign something saying he would never talk about him to other customers. You know for a minute I believed him!

Ken's in China, he tells me that he can't access get mummy's purse from their, so it's good to know that the Chinese authorities have put a block on my subversion. I mean what if I was to tell the Chinaman going to the dentist joke? It could put international relations back years! TOOTH HURTY! just in case you weren't sure what time it was that the Chinaman went to the dentist.

Had a look at the East Dulwich Forum today - it is a continual source of middle class joy and amazement 'Yes we wash everything by hand too', but also a good way of finding out which new shops are opening up. Apparently in trendy ED all the rents are going up so we're very worried that the independent traders on Lordship Lane (LL) will be forced out to faceless chains. 'We're all against it'. I mean look at Notting Hill and Hoxton! Well I mean.

Delving into the board today I see that there has been a long standing cocaine factory on LL which the fuzz have just closed down. Comment..........

'Allegedly they used Bugaboo buggies to ship them out of L.L'

'Police are asking for new stop and rummage powers specifically to deal with ED mummy's bags and bugaboos rammed with bugle. But seriously, which buggies are best for the this task, three or four wheelers?'

'What I can't stand is people taking shit loads of drugs and not giving me any of the bastard stuff!!! Grrr!'

'But the prisons are already so full - we need to look at the social causes for their crimes, maybe forcing Bugaboo to reduce their prices or offering subsidies for wannabe yummies, would be the answer.'

I'm glad to be so middle class, it really does make me happy.

Off to Blenheim Palace tomorrow with Rawbin - so hopefully there'll be plenty of comedy moments for me to share.

Remind me next time to tell you about the time I went to tea with Vivienne Weswood.

All the best from the West


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