Friday, 6 July 2007

May Contain Nuts

Before I start Ladies and Gentlemen, I just want to tell you that I had a lovely call from Joany Collins this evening, yes isn't that lovely. She was calling from Roger Moore's place to wish me luck for this evening's blog. Yes How lovely ladies and gentlemen. (CD)*

'I'm talking Colin!' well I'm not actually, that's the beauty of living alone - no unnecessary chat required. What I am doing is listening to the beautiful Brideshead Revisited music from the Granada series. Oh wistful melancholy, longing of youth and adventures ahead, of beauty and art, of Larry Olivier in Venice. You know the stuff I mean.

Now I need a couple of minutes to get ready for this evening's demonstration, so please go and enjoy yourself at the following link for a couple of minutes, then I shall see you back here for something very special.


All done? good - now please scroll down to start this evening's demonstration.

Welcome back my proud beauties. Now this evening I want to take you through the rudiments of Apron dancing. Now apron dancing is an age old tradition practiced by both nuns and Pols alike - they've been doing it for centuries. It was reintroduced in the 80's by Adrian and I after our 7th bottle of Chateau Margaux, shortly after the Boat Show. God knows how we ended up in Denmark, but luckily most of the charges were dropped.

It is very important not to confuse Apron Dancing with apronectomy, which although equally lovely, does have a tendency to scar where as apron dancing is usually injury free.

To crack on with your apron dance, one should first be in the kitchen. If you have been baking this is all for the better. A ruddy complexion from hours over the AGA, a flour dusted apron from the day's baking, a slight warble in the voice along to the Radio 2, and the lubrication of a couple of glasses of cooking sherry all blend together to make the perfect moment. As the ancient astrologers predicted the alignment of stars, as the sunrise over Stonehenge illuminated druids' panty lines, so do the afore mentioned situations prepare for the apron dance.

If like me you jump out of bed on a Sunday morning when the fruity tooty jaunty, french Bretton stylee weekend archer's theme comes on and do Miss High kick impersonations - the moment takes you, AND................ You reach down, you carefully take hold of each corner of your Apron. Whilst bending down to engage the corners with your dough covered fingers it is important to start the feet chattering. A little musical playful dancing on the spot needs to start, all in readiness, and all in this short window of bend and grab.

Now if at all possible have your assistant place some Winifred Atwell on the radiogram or 'town talk' as this will make the moment complete. Have another swig of sherry (cooking) and off you go...................

What is important now is that you all actually put on some swinging music and an apron NOW!!

Whilst dancing around on the spot hold the gripped hem of your apron out in front of you at waist height. First to the left and then to the right, all in time to the music and with a nod to the east end. Carry this on as you and the music get into the swing. Up the tempo and start dancing around the room whilst swaying with your apron from side to side.........Just go with the music - let go! no one's looking.

Now start to kick from side to side in a tiler girl stylee, just gently, moving around whilst you go, do a bit of hoping from one leg to the other, just enjoy yourself, you know you want to.

As the juices start to rise, you need to release and let the apron madness wash over you. Now continue to move around the room but slowly start to move into on the spot high kicking from one leg to the other, jump kicking type of moves. Now you are in the apron trance. If your assistant is still on hand, have him poor you another sherry and rewind the Winifred Atwell. You should be 'coming up' now and moving toward what we term Apron Nirvana.

Welcome to our world, welcome to apron dancing.

I had so much more to say this evening, but I am spent.

All the best from the west and Toodles!


* Channeling Dan

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